Stealing Immortality: The Original Story - Part 1

This particular story is about a Deck of Many Things. The party here was myself as a Druid, Z as a Bard, Steve as a Ranger, Jay as a Rogue, Chainsaw as a Paladin, and Heidi as a Cleric. If you've been wondering as to why some of them repeatedly roll the same class, Chainsaw loves Paladins. He runs a very medieval Paladin. If someone points to a forest and asks if it's evil, you bet your sweet ass and six chickens it's evil. Heidi has a thing for Clerics, and before someone cries stereotypical female healers, she just enjoys playing religious characters for some reason, despite her being a hardcore atheist in real life.

Anyway, we were hired to take down a wicked Necromancer who regularly sent zombies to terrorize the local township. Pretty standard zombies and whatnot. We downed them with incredible ease, since we had two Divine characters.

Eventually, we made it to the top of the tower, where we saw the Necromancer entering a portal to another plane. Before we could pursue him, one of the most difficult fights we've ever been in began. There were four statues in the corners of the room. Their eyes began to glow blue as the stone began to crack and fall off of them. As Chris described what was happening, everyone went pale. Jaws and faces alike dropped immediately. We were now standing toe-to-toe with four Liches, all level 20. We were currently at 17-19, and fancied ourselves rather powerful and always prepared, but we weren't expecting this. We probably should have.

After rolling a lucky 19 on initiative, Chainsaw said,

"I need a drink. Where do you keep the good stuff?"

We spent a few minutes staring into glasses of scotch, brandy, and in Z and Heidi's case, some sort of fruity drink.

Jay: "Well, fighting drunk isn't going to help our case. We need a plan. It's five on four. We have a number advantage, even if it's just by one and these Liches are able to fuck our shit up with a wave of their hand."

Steve: "Yeah, probably. Unless the alcohol can make us charming and we could seduce the Liches..."

Z: "Clever idea, but we don't have an ample amount of alcohol on hand, and even if we did, we'd be dodging goddamn beams of ice and thunderbolts in between sips. And for some reason, I doubt Liches would be up for a good dicking."

Heidi: "Well, we have Chainsaw and I. We've got spells on us that can stun or turn undead, right?"

Chainsaw: "Pfft. Maybe you do, but I didn't take any of those candy-assed spells. Fuck that noise. I'm gonna charge at the nearest Lich and aim for the head."

And with that, Chainsaw got nailed with a Hold Person spell and wasn't going anywhere. He decided to be useful and order Chinese.

Heidi went ahead and used Turn Undead, causing two of them to flee. To this day I wonder what exactly caused all-powerful undead beings with mastery over all forms of magic to turn tail and cower in a corner, but somehow it worked.

Z was a horrible spell user as a Bard; he had a few healing spells and buffs, but he also had all of his fancy Bard songs. We have this pretty entertaining house rule where anyone using a sound-based attack or ability has to sing a song metagame to keep it in effect. Out of everything he could have picked, he decided to grab a banana from the kitchen and sing "Back in Black" by AC/DC into it and stomp around the house.

Back in Black is a pretty metal song, as I hope you guys know. Chris was also impressed with his voice, so he gave it a bonus. All our defenses were bolstered by 4; saving throws, AC, and everything else. He just had to keep singing.

Steve, Jay and I opened right up one one of the two remaining Liches and bombarded it with everything we had. The Lich did the same, and used a spell that fired several lasers of random colors at everyone, with different effects. Luckily, with the help of Back in Black, everyone avoided it.

A few turns passed with the Liches beating down on us hard, but with heals from Heidi and whatever potions we had supporting us, we were somehow surviving. Chainsaw had broken out of his Hold Person and dropped the first Lich with a final mighty strike, then turned to the next one.

And then Back in Black ended. And he couldn't repeat it. Z had to think of something else, quickly. And so Holy Diver by Dio began, kicking up everyone's attack stats by 3 and dealing damage to enemies due to the sheer excellence of Dio. Naturally, the Liches turned their attention to Z, who proceeded to run around the chamber, dodging lightning bolts, fireballs, resisting several slow and silence effects. This gave us time to drop another Lich, since they were distracted.

And then one of the Liches decided that he was sick of Z's shit and used a push spell to knock him through the portal.

Without any songs, we were now at a massive disadvantage. And we got pounded. Jay's legs were frozen, Chainsaw's axe turned into molten rock, most of my clothes had silence effects cast on them, so I was nearly naked while doing my thing. Heidi was mind controlled for a round and was forced to scorn her Goddess, losing most of her powers. Steve was the only one without some kind of wicked sick status, and with the rest of the group incapacitated, the Liches were bearing down on him.



All credit goes to the original recounter, Vainamonien.